1 – I was too serious right from the start. [Don’t expect him to take you to the alter after the first date – Enjoy the moment]
The mistake I made was being too serious right from the start. I thought, when you meet someone you like and have agreed to go on a date with, have had great conversation with, you’re getting along perfectly well with, you should be thinking about marriage right?! Wrong.
I was too serious, I put myself under pressure, which might have put the guy under pressure if he sensed it. If he told me “I don’t know” or couldn’t make a decision and wasn’t asking me out again, it was confirming that I would not be his girlfriend in the future and sort of came crashing down on me. I should not have had that reaction to someone I barely knew. I could have just taken things a bit slower and learnt how to navigate the relationship in a way that would actually enable better communication. The focus should have been to get to know the guy and in real life, face-to-face, to figure out IF he is the man I actually want, furthermore, do we even fit together?
Moral of the story: Don’t be too serious about a random person that you barely know, take your time to get to know each other first. And don’t allow a stranger to have such a negative effect on you if they choose not to go forward with you..
2 – Cancelling other dates because I thought he was THE ONE! [Don’t put all your eggs in one basket]
The second mistake I made while dating as a single Christian woman was cancelling other dates because I thought he was the one. Ladies don’t put all your eggs in one basket if you aren’t sure and especially if your date hasn’t put all his eggs in your basket. That is a big mistake I know many women make. We as women are emotional creatures and when we really like someone we like to put all our eggs in their basket. We like to focus on that person, give them all our attention, love, care and every good thing we have to offer. But, that is wrong. We should be very sparing with how we ‘distribute our eggs’ (I hope that makes sense) until we are sure things are actually going somewhere.
3 – Not being confident. [Be yourself – allow your true personality to come through., the joyful bubbly true you]
When dating I was never fully truly and fully myself, I always had a little bit of a nervous disposition especially if I actually liked the guy I was on a date with. That prevented me from allowing my true personality to come through, you know, joyful bubbly and just easy to get along with. I think I am generally likeable and anytime I am myself, I notice guys are more comfortable and relaxed around me and find it way easier to open up. This comes though in many ways, their posture, the conversation vibe, energy and sometimes they even showing little signs of ‘falling in love’.
Show him you are a real genuine person, laugh a little, sort of treat him like a friend, while still maintaining a little bit of mystery without holding back from being you.
You want him to know you as you, and not what are pretending to be. By being confident and happy, he’ll see that you are happy around him and might even feel as if your energies match or he is the one creating that happiness in you (though it of course comes from within). People love to know that they have the power or ability to make another person happy, especially a romantic interest.
4 – I didn’t express my feelings
Another thing I could have done better is express my feelings. I always held back. I always wanted the guy to tell me how he felt first, so that I could then be free to say how I felt. I guess I just didn’t want to ‘step out of place’. I wanted to feel secure before I expressed how I felt because I felt like the man should be the one to lead in a relationship (which I still believe). But sometimes if you do genuinely have feelings for someone it is okay to express it first.
I always wanted to know that I was wanted, before expressing my feelings and showing how I felt about everything. Yes that would have been the ideal situation, but things don’t always work like that. Waiting for things to work that way can result in a lot of wasted time – because sometimes they may not even reciprocate.
I remember a time when I was sort of seeing a guy and I asked him where things were going and he said he wasn’t sure, that spoke a lot. Ultimately, it meant he didn’t really like me. Also, everything with him was awkward, one minute he’s not sure, the next minute we were ‘just friends’, the next minute he’s inviting me to meet his parents, the next minute he’s back on a dating app (He was a Christian).
If you’ve ever found yourself in an awkward situation like I was in, you are better off expressing how you feel, how the awkwardness makes you feel, just so you can then have the opportunity to make sense of it. You will know where you stand and what to do next, knowing that at least you said your piece. When you don’t express your feelings, don’t say how you feel, or explain a situation and the emotions you’re going through, that doesn’t give the other person an opportunity to take part in fixing the problem. So the next time you find yourself confused and annoyed in love do your best to speak up about it so you can find an answer. Communication is key.
5 – Establish boundaries & How you desire to be treated in order to bring out the best in you
Another mistake I made was not establishing boundaries regarding how I desired to be treated. This meant I put up with it when I was supposedly dating someone and I would see them on dating apps, or they would be seeing other people, or they wouldn’t call me as much, or treat me like I was not important at all.
And because I put up with it, I looked like I could easily be walked all over because I was allowing this treatment instead of checking it at the door and stopping it. I did not establish any boundaries or any loyalty requirements, therefore the situationship did not bring out the best in me.
Don’t allow someone to walk all over you because you are afraid to speak up and establish boundaries. Don’t allow things to take place like bad treatment or extremely low commitment, because somebody wants to play the field. Stand up for yourself and speak up.
If someone is walking all over you, you don’t want to be with them anyway, but in the early stages of meeting/dating someone they could possibly be involved with someone else or just not putting all their eggs in your basket, but it doesn’t mean you deserve to be disrespected.
It doesn’t mean they can kiss you and then kiss someone else, or be physical with you and do the same thing with someone else. Even if they aren’t being physical with someone else, you might have the desire to wait to be wedded first, but, because you feel the only way to keep this person is to be physical with them you drop your guard and don’t establish boundaries. Because of that you end up in a bad position.
How a relationship starts matters, so speak up and establish boundaries when it comes to what you will and won’t accept and how you desire to be treated. People are people and sometimes you have to correct their behaviour otherwise it will become your normal, not only for the current relationship but for your relationships in the future AND the cause of it will be because you didn’t or generally don’t set standards and boundaries.
I hope this blog post has been helpful for you. Thank you so much for reading it all the way through. I hope you have been enjoying the posts ever since the return of desiringmarriage.com and I hope I can continue to share are tips, advice and encouragement with you so we can grow together.
Until the next post!
Good luck!